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Should I talk about money with my SO?

Talking about money is taboo. Or at least that’s what previous generations might have said. They don’t talk about money like the new generation doesn’t talk about Bruno.

Studies have shown arguments involving household finances are a major contributor to divorce.  So why wouldn’t we talk about it? On average, couples that discuss finances have been happier in the bedroom, according to the Journal of Financial Therapy[1].

While dating, we share thousands of conversations covering thousands of topics. We discuss everything from favorite cookies to a 5-year plan. But for some reason, we rarely ask questions like, “how much debt do you have” and “what’s your credit score”. And, joking or not, I've known people who said they might have reconsidered marriage if they knew their spouse's credit score ahead of time. Ouch.

If a good predictor of divorce is arguments about money, wouldn't it be nice to know that ahead of time? And the more debt you have, the more important the conversation is. Like everything in relationships, the key is communication.

Discuss your spending habits. Talk about what you’re saving for and how much. Find out if one of you is more materialistic than the other.

Should I get married with debt?

While marrying someone with debt isn’t cause for alarm, the problem would be where the debt came from. We can all agree there’s a difference between a $10k car loan and a $10k credit card debt. For those that dislike debt in any form, both situations may seem awful.

If you are considering marriage soon, make “money talk” an important discussion. The last thing you want is to marry and find out your new partner has so much debt they can't pay it every month. Which is why, again, communication is key. 

When should I bring up debt with my significant other?

The best day to talk about money was yesterday. The second best? Today. Your attitude towards money plays a key role in how compatible you are with an individual. Someone in the FIRE movement would find it difficult to live a happy life with someone who loves to gamble.

Today, questions about money and money management have become commonplace in premarital counseling. Your relationship doesn't need to be on the rocks to sit through [pre]marital counseling, it’s just an unbiased third-party that can mediate tough topics. Like money.

Does your partner have debt?

Do you know how much debt your partner has?  It’s not important to have every detail, but some details are important. When your partner has debt, that debt is now your burden as well. You may not be making the payments, but it is still likely weighing on your mind. So now you’re stressed, and the thought of this new debt gets to live in your head, as they say, “rent free”.

If your partner has trouble paying bills on top of debt, I can almost guarantee you will help pay the loan bills. But that’s not to say you shouldn’t get married with debt, or to someone who has their own debt. Again, it’s about communicating and being on the same page. When 54% of all undergraduates and 60% of grad students have federal student loans, it shouldn’t be a surprise to find your partner has student loan debt.

Hiding your debt and financial infidelity

Financial arguments can cause a bigger rift than your run-of-the-mill marriage arguments. Because they center around ongoing issues, like debt or high monthly payments, the problems can last longer and feel increasingly stressful. For many of us, our lifestyle relies on both our income and our nest-egg, which provides a sense of security. This would explain why we're hurt and betrayed when we find our partner lied to us or mishandled our savings.

Financial infidelity is a real thing. Unless you work together to repair the damage, it could impact your relationship for years to come.

Money is a serious matter that everyone must deal with, regardless of social class. Some of us were fortunate to have parents that tried to knock some financial sense into our brains. But most people weren’t so lucky and didn't learn anything about money when they were a child.

It's also unfortunate that many people were never taught how to communicate well, particularly in times of hurt or anger. When you mix poor money management with a lack of communication skills, you've got an unstable and unhappy relationship.

As adults, it’s up to each of us to recognize, learn, and grow. Don’t avoid relationships because someone has debt. Everyone has a story. Talk, see what their story is and share your own.

Glossary:

FIRE: Financial Independence, Retire Early; a movement involving extreme savings that would allow an individual to retire much earlier than the typical retirement age of 65.

Financial Infidelity: When couples who have combined their finances lie to each other about debts, excessive spending, or the use of money.

For further information on this topic:

1)     The Budget and the Bedroom: Associations between Financial Management Behaviors, Perceptions of Economic Pressure, and Sexual Satisfaction. Journal of Financial Therapy, 12 (2) 3

2)     A Financial Issue, a Relationship Issue, or Both? Examining the Predictors of Marital Financial Conflict. Journal of Financial Therapy, 3 (1) 4